My heart is filled with much gratitude for the sacred experience it was to witness Dallin's baptism. I am thankful for the many friends and family who showed up to celebrate this occasion with us. Dallin chose the speakers and the songs. During the opening song, "When I am Baptized," I felt the spirit wash over me like a huge warm wave starting from the back of the room. Daniel was sitting next to me and we both looked at each other. I said, "Do you feel that." He replied, "Yes." and "Wow!" The spirit in the room became something almost tangible. This is in great part due to the faith of those present. My dad gave an emotional opening prayer as he invited the veil to be thin. It was clear that my ancestors who have passed away were certainly with us.
I could not have been more nervous to give the first talk on Baptism. I think it showed. As primary president, I would give talks at baptisms rather frequently. It was always easy and fun to do. For some reason, at Dallin's baptism I was a mess of nerves. I'm not sure anything I said even made sense. I am pretty sure I didn't hold his attention well either. I asked Dallin later in the evening what he remembered from my talk. He said, "I remember that you said my name a whole bunch." Mostly, I wanted Dallin to know that he is loved by both earthly and heavenly parents, and that we are all pleased with his decision to follow the Savior.
Dallin smiled at the feeling of his jumpsuit clinging to his legs when he entered the water. The sound of James' voice as he exercised the priesthood to baptize was powerful and soothing. I feel so blessed to have a righteous husband who honors that priesthood. He leads our home with such love. Our home is a happy place to be because of James. It was beautiful to hear him earlier that morning as he presented Dallin with his new scriptures. He talked about how Dallin could look there for answers when he had questions. I love to hear him teach the gospel to our children.
While Dallin dressed, we showed the temple video that the Barnharts had made for us. The video continued to invite the spirit. It served to make that time more personal than if we had just shown a church video. I was thrilled to share that treasure with our friends.
Our dear friends (the Andersens) provided the special musical number, "A Child's Prayer." Dallin insisted that this song be part of the program. I love the words: "Heavenly Father, are you really there?
And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?
Some say that heaven is far away,
But I feel it close around me as I pray." I find a lot of peace in the knowledge that Heavenly Father really is there. I am so grateful that He answers prayers, that He knows me, He knows my family, and He wants us to return home to him. I want everyone to have this knowledge and this peace. Nothing could have been more touching than Samuel's sweet voice as he sang with Rebecca. Dewayne provided the tender voice of a father. They offered the spirit of family - eternal family. With a house full of sick kids, they made quite the sacrifice to be there with us.
Brook Barker is one of my closest friends and knows Dallin so well. She gave a wonderful talk about the Holy Ghost. She talked about Nephi and said that Dallin reminded her of that Book of Mormon prophet. What I loved most was how she spoke about Heavenly Father - about his hands and his loving face. She spoke of how we miss him and how the Holy Ghost helps us to feel close to him.
James gave Dallin a wonderful blessing as he was confirmed - blessing him that he would be able to continue following the savior.
The primary president, Rebekah Bartholomew, also made a great sacrifice to be there. Battling illness in her home, she made an extra effort to be at the baptism to talk to Dallin about the importance of faith and the step he was taking to prepare to receive the priesthood.
Justin Barker was there to represent the bishopric. His emotional remarks were so gentle and warmhearted. He sweetly welcomed Dallin as the newest member of our Ward.
We sang "I Feel My Savior's Love" as the closing song, and my brother-in-law gave the closing prayer as a stand-in for my bashful niece Delia.
I am thankful for the powerful spiritual experience it was for us. I hope that those not of my faith were able to feel something in their heart and recognize the goodness in what took place last night.
Our extended family did a wonderful job of stepping in and taking care of refreshments so that I could enjoy the evening. I am so grateful for everyone who brought cookies, and food, and helped to wash and cut vegetables. I am thankful for those of you who kept the trays and drink pitchers full. I am thankful for choristers, pianists, and bishopric members who truly sacrificed to make this day special for Dallin. I am thankful for our bishop's wife who again embroidered a beautiful towel to wrap around Dallin after the making of sacred covenants. I am thankful for Lisa McCole who stayed up until 11pm to help me make Dallin's scripture case. I am thankful for the sister missionaries who filled the font, for Bro. Andersen who asked them too, and for the Elders who were there to support us. I am thankful for all those who participated in any way.
I hope that Dallin remembers the room full of so many friends and family. I hope that he is aware of the light that he carries inside of him and his magical ability to brighten a room. I know that he loves his Savior and wants to be a part of his true church. I know that he understands the eternal nature of family. I am thankful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and I desire everyone to have the joy that I find as I live the principles of this gospel. It was truly a blessed day!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
A Lot of Catching Up to Do
Life got really busy and my blog has been sorely neglected. Let me tell you how busy...
One day, just after Dallin's diagnosis with sensory processing issues, he had a rough morning. He had thoroughly worn out the velcro on his shoes with repeated attempts to make them tighter so we had purchased him shoes with laces. Dallin really struggled with tying laces. I would later learn that he has significantly low hand strength that would make this activity quite difficult. Dallin could not handle shoes that felt loose; they needed to be tied tight. Dallin was having a major meltdown and just couldn't pull it together. Usually if I could just get him into the car, he could calm himself down by the time we got to school. When we pulled up into the drop off line Dallin's shoes still felt loose. I told him that it would be okay and instructed him to go inside and ask the teacher to retie his shoes tighter. He started sobbing and explained that just one day prior the teacher had scolded him, refused to help him tie his shoes, and said, "This is the 3rd quarter in 1st grade and you should be able to tie your own shoes." Dallin said that he had to finish the school day with lose shoes, a nightmare for a kid with sensory issues. Asking Dallin to deal with lose shoes is like asking you or I to deal with a rock in our shoes. I was angered and so frustrated that a women who had been told about Dallin's condition would chose to treat him so poorly. I parked the car, hugged my little guy extra tight, and tied his shoes. I would have taken him home right then, but he had a field trip planned that day. He really wanted to go, so I cried as I watched him run into the school with his little red backpack bobbing behind him.
The rest of the day, I was a puddle. I suddenly felt the guilt associated with months of ignoring the promptings we had to pull him out of that class. We had asked for a new teacher in October and were refused. I should have trusted my instincts and pulled him out right then. Instead I trusted that the principal new best and we kept sending Dallin to school in an environment that completely destructive to his self-esteem. He wasn't going to school and being nurtured and instructed. He was being torn down. Realizing how bad it was for him sent me to my knees begging for forgiveness. It felt so awful for not having the courage to do what I knew was necessary. I didn't feel like I was qualified to home school. My feelings of inadequacy governed my decisions and I chose not to listen to the Lord. In my desperate prayers, I was given a second chance. Heavenly Father reminded me that the position of mother, nurturer, and even instructor, were divine callings. Just like callings in church, like chorister or primary president - callings that I was unsure I could magnify, I had been called by God to do this work. He would help me to do all that is required to magnify this call. Suddenly, I knew that I could do it. I decided to home school. I spent the rest of that school day researching state statutes and procedures for pulling Dallin out and teaching him at home. Once I had made that decision, I felt so much better. I instantly had peace and was able to move forward. I'm still working through all the guilt but I know that Heavenly Father has forgiven me for not listening to whispering of the spirit that could have saved my son much grief.
The Lord quickly sent me a confirmation that I was doing the right thing. My neighbor was a parent volunteer during the field trip that day. She came home and told me that she witnessed the teacher treating Dallin poorly. She was short with him and lacked patience. The instructor would often snap at him and it was clear that he was treated him differently then the other kids in her class. She was just plain mean to him. That sealed the deal! Monday morning, the next school day, I took a letter to the principal notifying the school district that we were withdrawing Dallin from public school. Daniel had a wonderful instructor and truly thrived at the school. So, we chose to leave Daniel at English Landing Elementary.
Quickly, I discovered how much I loved homeschooling. I love that as Dallin practiced his writing and grammar that I could give him sentences like this: "Dallin is a smart kid and his teacher really loves him." or "I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me." and "I am a good person, and I can do hard things." I spent my time with him trying to rediscover a love of learning. I used what I remember from Montessori School and worked on improving his fine motor skills. We focused on fluency and areas where he was struggling most. I also saw him excel in math as he was given the opportunity to try multiplication (something he couldn't try in public school because his timed test scores in addition were never high enough). Dallin was so grateful to be at home. We quickly saw a change in his level of happiness.
Homeschooling was a very valuable experience as I was able to discover some road blocks in his learning and test solutions to the problem. One time I gave Dallin 4 sentences to copy. It took him 45 min. to finish the 1st sentence. He was very off task and unable to concentrate. We stopped and took a break. I did some exercises with Dallin using a fitness ball that our occupational therapist had taught us. This gave Dallin the deep muscle (proprioceptive) stimulation that his body needed. After 10 min. we went back to the table and Dallin finished the remaining 3 sentences in 15 minutes. I also learned that Dallin could focus better if he was listening to music. His favorite was Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor. We had so much fun learning together! We could find and area of interest and investigate it together until we had thoroughly exhausted the topic. We were studying world geography, the instruments of the symphony, and the parts of an ecosystem. All of our learning was as hands-on as we could make it. Sometime Dallin would ask a question in the car and that would spark an idea for a unit study. All the while we were increasing fluency, making writing a little more fun, and building up his love of learning. Dallin once asked why we never make sock puppets. Then next day, we learned about character traits and adjectives as Dallin wrote about and designed his puppet. I loved being able to help him learn about the world he lived in. It was wonderful to use his curiosity to fuel the lesson plans. Some days were difficult. Near the end of the year he resisted doing his work quite a bit. We were ready for summer. It was extremely difficult to give Darren the attention that he needed during this time as well. Sesame Street became a babysitter for me so I could be teaching. This was something that I didn't love about homeschooling.
Overall, it was a great experience. It taught me that I can do anything that God wants me to do with His help. It taught me to trust that I know what is best for my son. I now have a confidence that I didn't have before homeschool.
As for this fall, I have prayed to know how to proceed. While I enjoyed homeschooling, I am not sure that it is needed permanently. I feel I need to pursue public education for Dallin and fight to get the modifications needed to make the classroom experience a positive one. If I can't make that happen for him, I have homeschooling in my back pocket and I'm no longer afraid to use it.
At the end of the school year, Dallin was officially diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Writing Dysgraphia, and ADHD. When we called the school to talk about getting him special assistance from the district special education department, the assistant principal explained that their earlier evaluation showed that Dallin was making academic progress without assistance and so they would deny us any future aid. So, the fight is on. The summer has been chaos because the school district head of special education retired, the district is opening a new elementary school, and our assistant principal took a job at another district. The new hires haven't been in place to discuss a plan for Dallin in the fall. I sent a letter last week to the new director of special education requesting a meeting and an IEP (Individualized Educational Program) for Dallin. In preparation for this meeting, I have spent the summer educating myself on the rights of kids with special needs, IEPs, 504 plans, state regulations, parent advocacy, dispute resolution, etc.. I am also taking a few classes on homeschooling just in case. I really hope that we get a teacher that will embrace a new way of thinking and implement some good sensory integration techniques in her classroom. Dallin really needs access to OT (occupational therapy). We may only be able to get that for him if we can get an IEP. He needs extra time for writing and activities that make fine motor exercise fun. He needs some accommodations in the classroom to make him more comfortable (an air cushion on his seat and special pencils grips), and he really needs breaks for proprioceptive stimulation. It may be quite the battle to get what we need, but I've promised Dallin that if we can't make the classroom a place where he feels comfortable and happy, then we'll bring home and do our best.
As the school year approaches, I become more apprehensive. I am trusting my gut and moving forward in the direction that I feel inspired to go and there is some peace that comes with that. Still, I am so nervous about the future. Will I be able to help my son be fully functioning in a classroom and the world in which he lives? Have a done enough to build a shield of protection for him? How long will we be undoing the damage done last year? Lots of questions. Very little sleep these days.
On top of worries for Dallin, we have a son entering 5th grade. I am scared for all the things that Danny will learn this year (things that I'd rather he not know). I'm trying to decide if Darren should take advantage of the early childhood education provided by our district, or if he should learn at home. Also, we are trying to figure out what we are doing after graduation and where we want to raise our family. Just a few major things weighing on me. I am relying on Heavenly Father to show us the way on each account. I meet with Him in prayer and at the temple where I weekly pour out my heart. I am so grateful to have the temple here. It makes all the difference and my whole world is better because of it. It is the one place where I truly find peace.
*The kids are now pouring their own cereal and fighting over oatmeal packets. No time to proofread. Sorry for any errors.
One day, just after Dallin's diagnosis with sensory processing issues, he had a rough morning. He had thoroughly worn out the velcro on his shoes with repeated attempts to make them tighter so we had purchased him shoes with laces. Dallin really struggled with tying laces. I would later learn that he has significantly low hand strength that would make this activity quite difficult. Dallin could not handle shoes that felt loose; they needed to be tied tight. Dallin was having a major meltdown and just couldn't pull it together. Usually if I could just get him into the car, he could calm himself down by the time we got to school. When we pulled up into the drop off line Dallin's shoes still felt loose. I told him that it would be okay and instructed him to go inside and ask the teacher to retie his shoes tighter. He started sobbing and explained that just one day prior the teacher had scolded him, refused to help him tie his shoes, and said, "This is the 3rd quarter in 1st grade and you should be able to tie your own shoes." Dallin said that he had to finish the school day with lose shoes, a nightmare for a kid with sensory issues. Asking Dallin to deal with lose shoes is like asking you or I to deal with a rock in our shoes. I was angered and so frustrated that a women who had been told about Dallin's condition would chose to treat him so poorly. I parked the car, hugged my little guy extra tight, and tied his shoes. I would have taken him home right then, but he had a field trip planned that day. He really wanted to go, so I cried as I watched him run into the school with his little red backpack bobbing behind him.
The rest of the day, I was a puddle. I suddenly felt the guilt associated with months of ignoring the promptings we had to pull him out of that class. We had asked for a new teacher in October and were refused. I should have trusted my instincts and pulled him out right then. Instead I trusted that the principal new best and we kept sending Dallin to school in an environment that completely destructive to his self-esteem. He wasn't going to school and being nurtured and instructed. He was being torn down. Realizing how bad it was for him sent me to my knees begging for forgiveness. It felt so awful for not having the courage to do what I knew was necessary. I didn't feel like I was qualified to home school. My feelings of inadequacy governed my decisions and I chose not to listen to the Lord. In my desperate prayers, I was given a second chance. Heavenly Father reminded me that the position of mother, nurturer, and even instructor, were divine callings. Just like callings in church, like chorister or primary president - callings that I was unsure I could magnify, I had been called by God to do this work. He would help me to do all that is required to magnify this call. Suddenly, I knew that I could do it. I decided to home school. I spent the rest of that school day researching state statutes and procedures for pulling Dallin out and teaching him at home. Once I had made that decision, I felt so much better. I instantly had peace and was able to move forward. I'm still working through all the guilt but I know that Heavenly Father has forgiven me for not listening to whispering of the spirit that could have saved my son much grief.
The Lord quickly sent me a confirmation that I was doing the right thing. My neighbor was a parent volunteer during the field trip that day. She came home and told me that she witnessed the teacher treating Dallin poorly. She was short with him and lacked patience. The instructor would often snap at him and it was clear that he was treated him differently then the other kids in her class. She was just plain mean to him. That sealed the deal! Monday morning, the next school day, I took a letter to the principal notifying the school district that we were withdrawing Dallin from public school. Daniel had a wonderful instructor and truly thrived at the school. So, we chose to leave Daniel at English Landing Elementary.
Quickly, I discovered how much I loved homeschooling. I love that as Dallin practiced his writing and grammar that I could give him sentences like this: "Dallin is a smart kid and his teacher really loves him." or "I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me." and "I am a good person, and I can do hard things." I spent my time with him trying to rediscover a love of learning. I used what I remember from Montessori School and worked on improving his fine motor skills. We focused on fluency and areas where he was struggling most. I also saw him excel in math as he was given the opportunity to try multiplication (something he couldn't try in public school because his timed test scores in addition were never high enough). Dallin was so grateful to be at home. We quickly saw a change in his level of happiness.
Homeschooling was a very valuable experience as I was able to discover some road blocks in his learning and test solutions to the problem. One time I gave Dallin 4 sentences to copy. It took him 45 min. to finish the 1st sentence. He was very off task and unable to concentrate. We stopped and took a break. I did some exercises with Dallin using a fitness ball that our occupational therapist had taught us. This gave Dallin the deep muscle (proprioceptive) stimulation that his body needed. After 10 min. we went back to the table and Dallin finished the remaining 3 sentences in 15 minutes. I also learned that Dallin could focus better if he was listening to music. His favorite was Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor. We had so much fun learning together! We could find and area of interest and investigate it together until we had thoroughly exhausted the topic. We were studying world geography, the instruments of the symphony, and the parts of an ecosystem. All of our learning was as hands-on as we could make it. Sometime Dallin would ask a question in the car and that would spark an idea for a unit study. All the while we were increasing fluency, making writing a little more fun, and building up his love of learning. Dallin once asked why we never make sock puppets. Then next day, we learned about character traits and adjectives as Dallin wrote about and designed his puppet. I loved being able to help him learn about the world he lived in. It was wonderful to use his curiosity to fuel the lesson plans. Some days were difficult. Near the end of the year he resisted doing his work quite a bit. We were ready for summer. It was extremely difficult to give Darren the attention that he needed during this time as well. Sesame Street became a babysitter for me so I could be teaching. This was something that I didn't love about homeschooling.
Overall, it was a great experience. It taught me that I can do anything that God wants me to do with His help. It taught me to trust that I know what is best for my son. I now have a confidence that I didn't have before homeschool.
As for this fall, I have prayed to know how to proceed. While I enjoyed homeschooling, I am not sure that it is needed permanently. I feel I need to pursue public education for Dallin and fight to get the modifications needed to make the classroom experience a positive one. If I can't make that happen for him, I have homeschooling in my back pocket and I'm no longer afraid to use it.
At the end of the school year, Dallin was officially diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Writing Dysgraphia, and ADHD. When we called the school to talk about getting him special assistance from the district special education department, the assistant principal explained that their earlier evaluation showed that Dallin was making academic progress without assistance and so they would deny us any future aid. So, the fight is on. The summer has been chaos because the school district head of special education retired, the district is opening a new elementary school, and our assistant principal took a job at another district. The new hires haven't been in place to discuss a plan for Dallin in the fall. I sent a letter last week to the new director of special education requesting a meeting and an IEP (Individualized Educational Program) for Dallin. In preparation for this meeting, I have spent the summer educating myself on the rights of kids with special needs, IEPs, 504 plans, state regulations, parent advocacy, dispute resolution, etc.. I am also taking a few classes on homeschooling just in case. I really hope that we get a teacher that will embrace a new way of thinking and implement some good sensory integration techniques in her classroom. Dallin really needs access to OT (occupational therapy). We may only be able to get that for him if we can get an IEP. He needs extra time for writing and activities that make fine motor exercise fun. He needs some accommodations in the classroom to make him more comfortable (an air cushion on his seat and special pencils grips), and he really needs breaks for proprioceptive stimulation. It may be quite the battle to get what we need, but I've promised Dallin that if we can't make the classroom a place where he feels comfortable and happy, then we'll bring home and do our best.
As the school year approaches, I become more apprehensive. I am trusting my gut and moving forward in the direction that I feel inspired to go and there is some peace that comes with that. Still, I am so nervous about the future. Will I be able to help my son be fully functioning in a classroom and the world in which he lives? Have a done enough to build a shield of protection for him? How long will we be undoing the damage done last year? Lots of questions. Very little sleep these days.
On top of worries for Dallin, we have a son entering 5th grade. I am scared for all the things that Danny will learn this year (things that I'd rather he not know). I'm trying to decide if Darren should take advantage of the early childhood education provided by our district, or if he should learn at home. Also, we are trying to figure out what we are doing after graduation and where we want to raise our family. Just a few major things weighing on me. I am relying on Heavenly Father to show us the way on each account. I meet with Him in prayer and at the temple where I weekly pour out my heart. I am so grateful to have the temple here. It makes all the difference and my whole world is better because of it. It is the one place where I truly find peace.
*The kids are now pouring their own cereal and fighting over oatmeal packets. No time to proofread. Sorry for any errors.
Monday, May 14, 2012
My Kansas City Temple Experience
The building of a temple in Kansas City is no small thing for my family. Our excitement began at the announcement in October of 2008. We first visited the home of our temple when it was a simple piece of land. My family of 5, with 3 little boys, stood in wonder and looked at the land where our temple would be built. We pondered where the walls might be and how tall it might stand. Would it be large like San Diego or smaller like Chicago? It didn't really matter to us. The point was that it would be close.
Our family made regular visits to the temple site for various family home evenings. We rejoiced as we saw the foundation laid. Much excitement was had over simple accomplishments in the building process such as plumbing and framing. The excitement stemmed from our knowledge that the pipes we saw protruding out of the foundation would someday fill the font. The elevator shaft was something to celebrate as well as the structure began to rise above ground level.
We continued to visit our temple. The Burnesons awaited it's arrival like expectant parents - eager to see what it would look like and how it would feel. As the walls and spires went up, the anticipation of the angel Moroni grew. Daily visits to the temple site followed reports that the statue would soon top the Eastern spire. Delays due to wind only grew my anticipation. Fortunately, the Lord knew when the time was right. When the statue was removed from it's crate and raised to it's current home atop the temple, I was present with my 3 boys in tow. Wrapped in blankets and surrounded by friends, we cheered as this milestone in the journey was met. We now had an angel watching over us, trumpeting to all the glorious news of the gospel.
A benefit 5k walk/run was later held at the temple in which so many gathered to do good and to unite in purpose. So many friends set there sights on the temple that day. We worked hard together to meet goals, fellowship, and enjoy the beauty of the temple. While I mostly walked the 5k, my children ran with all their might in the children's races. Their excitement for the temple was growing and they were starting to feel of the importance of this building. At every opportunity we talked about the temple, visited the temple, and prayed for the temple. We talked not just with family or with church members, but we shared our excitement with neighbors, colleagues, and friends - even strangers. I wanted everyone to know of our temple.
After a long wait, and a miraculous journey, the open house was announced. What a joy it was to receive an invitation to serve those who would visit the temple prior to its dedication. To stand in a hallway and usher the way as individuals and families continued their tours was a sweet experience. Even more special was the opportunity to serve as a tour host and witness to many my love of my Savior and the blessings we can receive in His holy house. The spirit burned with in me that day and my love of missionary work grew ten fold as I saw individuals begin to understand gospel principles. I saw countenances change as friends felt the love of the Lord.
I was able to complete a tour of the temple with my husband and our three children. What a precious thing it was to introduce to them this house of learning. My ten year old understood that great things are taught in the temple that bring us closer to Heavenly Father. My six year old knew that our eternal family began in a sealing room in the house of the Lord and our family would be together forever. My three year old discovered that the temple is a bright and happy place. My husband and I held each other close and enjoyed a taste of what it will be like to be in the presence of our father in Heaven having our children by our side - a truly forever family.
The joy of the temple experience was heightened as we prepared for the dedication. I remember mentioning to my boys, as I tucked them into bed the night before the dedication, that the prophet was now in Kansas City. I could feel his energy and his spirit. It was a special time and I wanted them to remember it forever. I was able to attend each of the 3 temple dedicatory sessions at the stake center; the first I attended with my husband and our first born son. What joy it was to sit with my eternal companion and my son in an extension of the temple as the cover stone was cemented into place. The chapel full of white handkerchiefs at the hosanna shout was an experience that overwhelmed me. Each session was beautiful and uplifting. I felt so grateful for our prophet, for our newly dedicated temple, and for all the sacrifice that has been made from the beginning of the restoration that my family might enjoy this sacred house.
On the Tuesday following the dedication, I had the opportunity to attend the first session of baptisms in the font of the Kansas City, Missouri temple. I was pleased to meet the temple matron and her assistants. These sisters greeted me and my sister in the gospel with such love. They truly had the spirit of Christ with them. The spirit in the room was so strong as the the first sister, Sister Shriver of the Liberty Stake, stepped into the font with her husband. The presence of many ancestors was felt that day. The spirit was almost tangible. I could feel of a great celebration on the other side of the veil. There was so much joy in the work that is going forth in this temple. It was a sacred experience that I will never forget.
I am grateful for this building that my husband and I can grow closer to each other as we grow closer to our Savior. I am thankful that I now have a place so nearby that I may go to often in order to feel close to my Heavenly Father and hear answers to my prayers. The experiences we have had in watching this temple grow have increased the testimonies of my children and strengthened my own. I will never forget these days and I will remember them with great fondness as I continue to come to the house of the Lord!
Emily J. Burneson
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Coming Home
Yesterday, as sun just began to peek over the horizon, I traveled to Liberty, MO to attend a training meeting for those who will staff the LDS Temple Open House. I was listening to world news on NPR (national public radio) in the van as I drove to the meetinghouse near the temple. I listened as the broadcaster spoke of the drug war in Cuba. I heard of a possible long-range Korean rocket launch (a precursor to ballistic weapons testing). Lastly, I heard of the fighting and bloodshed in Syria. My thoughts went immediately to the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 45:46 which says that there will be, "wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth shall be in commotion." Saddened by all the suffering and in search of peace, I turned off the radio. Just then, I turned to exit from highway 35 onto I-435 North and was thrilled to see beautiful white beacon, a symbol of peace and love, as the sun lit the beautiful Angel Moroni atop our glorious temple.
Instantly, I felt peace. I was overcome with Joy as I recognized a building that somehow felt like home, and certainly stands as a refuge from the world. I new that withing those wall there would be relief from the trials of the world. My testimony of the importance of temples and the safety that is found through the teachings of the temple.
As I exited 435, I noticed that cars streamed in from every direction toward the temple. In great numbers, people from all over were coming to the meetinghouse aside temple that day. It appeared to be a great gathering of saints. There were many more cars than I had expected. This seemed to be a meeting larger than any stake conference I had attended. I took the last of the parking spots on the North end of the temple in order to walk the the meetinghouse located on the South side of the temple lot. I was glad to be surrounded by so many members of my faith. We were all common in purpose, all there to serve the Lord and receive instruction on how to bless those who come to the House of the Lord. Another scripture entered my mind, Isaiah 2:3 "And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths."
I pondered on the words, "House of the Lord." I thought about how happy I was to have my family home with me this week. We have been busy enjoying Spring Break, and it has been so wonderful to have my family at home. I wonder then, would Heavenly Father not feel the same way. If the temple is His house, then I imagine that He desires to have us there in much the same way. He loves His children with a love that I cannot even fully comprehend. Of course He is happy to have His children in His house. It was a thought that made me giddy with joy as later that morning I entered the temple for a sample tour.
Every element of the temple was beautiful and speaks of Christ. Our temple has been designed with a beautiful olive branch theme. So much of the tour was impressive and lovely. The Celestial Room, was so completely breathtaking. I've never been in a place so bright as was that room in the temple in the morning as the Eastern sun shown in. It was in all ways - Heavenly! Though it had not yet been dedicated, the room still felt so familiar. It felt like HOME. I was brought to tears as I entered the Celestial Room, a room that symbolizes a return to our Heavenly Father's presence. It felt so good to be home.
Instantly, I felt peace. I was overcome with Joy as I recognized a building that somehow felt like home, and certainly stands as a refuge from the world. I new that withing those wall there would be relief from the trials of the world. My testimony of the importance of temples and the safety that is found through the teachings of the temple.
As I exited 435, I noticed that cars streamed in from every direction toward the temple. In great numbers, people from all over were coming to the meetinghouse aside temple that day. It appeared to be a great gathering of saints. There were many more cars than I had expected. This seemed to be a meeting larger than any stake conference I had attended. I took the last of the parking spots on the North end of the temple in order to walk the the meetinghouse located on the South side of the temple lot. I was glad to be surrounded by so many members of my faith. We were all common in purpose, all there to serve the Lord and receive instruction on how to bless those who come to the House of the Lord. Another scripture entered my mind, Isaiah 2:3 "And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths."
I pondered on the words, "House of the Lord." I thought about how happy I was to have my family home with me this week. We have been busy enjoying Spring Break, and it has been so wonderful to have my family at home. I wonder then, would Heavenly Father not feel the same way. If the temple is His house, then I imagine that He desires to have us there in much the same way. He loves His children with a love that I cannot even fully comprehend. Of course He is happy to have His children in His house. It was a thought that made me giddy with joy as later that morning I entered the temple for a sample tour.
Every element of the temple was beautiful and speaks of Christ. Our temple has been designed with a beautiful olive branch theme. So much of the tour was impressive and lovely. The Celestial Room, was so completely breathtaking. I've never been in a place so bright as was that room in the temple in the morning as the Eastern sun shown in. It was in all ways - Heavenly! Though it had not yet been dedicated, the room still felt so familiar. It felt like HOME. I was brought to tears as I entered the Celestial Room, a room that symbolizes a return to our Heavenly Father's presence. It felt so good to be home.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Long Journey
I am so sorry that I have been absent from the blog. This school year has brought many blessings and many challenges worthy of documentation.
The 3rd year of dental school is SO MUCH BETTER than anything we've known prior. My husband is usually home for dinner, he never misses family night, and he is actively engaged in getting the kids to bed every night. The fact that my burdens have been lightened in this way, is truly a blessing.
Darren is starting to grow out of the terrible threes. He still my little wrecking ball, breaking things left and right, but he says the cutest things and makes me laugh all day. He loves to read with me. The laundry is often ignored as the picture books pile up next to me on the couch for story time. He loves all things superhero. My aunt gave him a cape for Christmas, which he wears everywhere - to the grocery store, on field trips, to the bathroom... EVERYWHERE. He loves Batman and Superman and demonstrates his displeasure when his pajamas just have frogs on them. He thinks that pants with stripes down the side are "Cool Pants." Anything without stripes won't do. He is still the first in the house to say, "thank you" for anything fun that we do. His constant gratitude is a great example for his older brothers. He loves to snuggle and still likes to hold my hair (I'm ready for that to stop.)
Daniel has hit the mood swings that are typical of boys his age. The smallest things seem to really upset him and he struggles to calm himself down. He thrives on attention and has a hard time asking for what he needs. The wii has become a great temptation for him. Finding balance and following our rules with regard to video games is often a source of frustration for him. He is still such a hard worker, always willing to do his part around the house. He is my most helpful child. Daniel, ever the compassionate kid, impressed me the other day as he wrapped his arm around a friend from church who was crying and sought to comfort him. Daniel has a sweetness that is so sincere and adorable. Daniel is enjoying 4th grade and has a wonderful teacher! She has a wild wardrobe but is a brilliant teacher. She does a great job of challenging the kids and really expanding their vocabularies and their knowledge of technology in the classroom. Daniel is currently at a 9th grade reading level and has just finished the Percy Jackson series. When I was his age, I was wishing that I only had to read books with pictures. I'm so proud of him.
Dallin is my salvation. Dallin is here to teach me love through his example, patience through dealing with him, and courage in fighting for him. This blog entry is mostly about DALLIN.
Before kindergarten, Dallin offered us some challenges that we dismissed as just part of his personality: struggles brushing teeth, a lack of desire to do fine motor activities, and he was my screamer. Once school began we saw struggles develop in the classroom. Dallin's teacher said that he was always quiet (a big surprise) but he didn't get his work done. Staying on task was difficult, completing a task was almost impossible, and working with peers was quite the struggle. Dallin has always been super affectionate. I knew that there wasn't an outlet for that at school, and thought the lack of hugs throughout the day might be a problem. We sought help through the school counselor. Dallin met with Mrs. Fullerton weekly and eventually daily to work on behavior modification and find solutions. Dallin had a hard time keeping his cool when someone entered his bubble. Also, we began to see sensory issues in Dallin. Every morning was full of meltdowns related to Dallin's socks. If he couldn't get all the bumps out, and the seam lined up just right, if one sock felt too lose, Dallin had a meltdown. Many a morning I carried a screaming kid to the van because of a bumpy sock. Other parents mentioned their kids struggled with the same thing at that age. So, we just dealt with it the best that we could. It was exhausting. Some mornings I just prayed to make it through. I told myself that he'd grow out of it.
Halfway through that really tough year, we took Dallin in for his 6 year check up. We talked to the pediatrician about what we were seeing and she recommended we call the psychology dept. at Children's Mercy Hospital. After a brief phone interview with CMH it was determined that Dallin's needs were not severe enough to be seen. At that time there was an extensive wait list to see a psychologist. We investigate other avenues and found that CMH was the only place with the program that we needed that accepted our insurance. The counselor at school suggested we try a new point system and a system of rewards and consequences to help motivate him. We didn't see a change. We suffered through second semester with trips to the recovery room, yellow days (as opposed to green), and more meltdowns than I can count.
Summer came and it was wonderful! I had my happy little kid back. I got 50 hugs a day from that little one and numerous smooches too. Summer meant flip flops and no more socks (except Sunday). Life was good again. We were hopeful that the summer would give Dallin time to outgrow some of those issues and that a new classroom/teacher would change things for the better. I was encouraged when I met Dallin's teacher. She was very affectionate, giving everyone a hug. I was happy to learn that she had been teaching for almost 30 years, and she spent some of that time teaching special ed. I thought this was going to be a great year!
It was obvious right away that Dallin was struggling. I quickly asked to meet with the teacher and discuss the issues we were facing in kindergarten. She came up with an action plan similar to the point system and we tried it out. Dallin began to really struggle. His sensory issues became magnified. Suddenly he had to have his pants so tight that he couldn't even button them. He needed his shirt to be high on his neck. Sleeves could not touch his wrists unless they were coat sleeves, and those had to be strapped extra tight with velcro. Dallin, always a picky eater, starting limiting his palette to very few foods. No matter what I put on his plate or what dessert we offered as a reward, he would only it taquitos, breakfast foods, or ham & cheese with crackers. We saw many meltdowns at the dinner table because I kept putting things on his plate for him to try that he didn't like.
The trials with Dallin were overwhelming. I felt like I was missing something; some important piece of information to tell me how to parent this kid. What I doing wrong? What had I done wrong? Why couldn't he just behave? The self doubt was almost too much to bear at times. Worried that others would judge me and my parenting, I felt very alone in this struggle. I felt the teacher was judging me and I felt ill-equipped to handle this.
In, my next meeting with the teacher I asked if she had seen anyone like Dallin in her 30 years of teaching and if so what worked for him/her. She replied that medication was the answer. She remind me of her opinion as to the medicinal solution several times in the weeks that would follow. She thinks he's got Aspergers and possible ADHD. She kept comparing Dallin to her nephew who struggles to deal with his Aspergers. I spent hours researching online. I studies Aspergers, Autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivty. If it is a childhood mental illness, I studied it. Nothing seemed to really fit. I found information on the school district website that they have diagnosticians, occupational therapists, autism specialists, and other counselors to help with special education needs. When I asked the teacher to tap into these resources, she explained that we could not utilize those services without a diagnosis.
So, I went back to our health care provider and searched for more options. I reached someone at Children's Mercy who finally agreed to put Dallin on the 6 mo. wait list for help in their behavioral sciences dept.. I also took Dallin to a child counselor who quickly made it clear that she was not interested in taking on a Medicaid patient and referred us back to the school for testing. The school district said that their people can't get involved until we have a diagnosis. Eventually, I found a therapist and social worker who agreed to meet with Dallin on a regular basis and help him work through some things. We started attending weekly therapy sessions together (1 parent and Dallin). During these sessions we discovered that Dallin can be still through play but reacts physically to uncomfortable situations. We have seen some progress with this counselor. She has helped Dallin to try hard things and has helped to repair some of the damage done to his self esteem this year. She acknowledges that a lot of Dallin's issues seem to be environmental. There is something about the atmosphere at school that causes him great anxiety. (If my teacher wanted to drug me, I'd have some anxiety too!)
We really began to struggle with the instructors approach to Dallin. She would punish him for not finishing his work. Ex: If Dallin didn't finish a series of worksheets, she would keep him in from recess. I don't see how a kid with anxiety in the classroom needs more time in the classroom. This doesn't solve anything. In fact, it made things worse. His teacher would often inquire about the wait list and if we had seen anyone yet. One time, after Dallin had his 100th meltdown over his shoes, I kept him home from school. He was hysterical in the car on the way to school and I didn't feel comfortable dropping him off. Dallin refused to learn to tie his shoes. He would scream that it hurt his fingers and he wouldn't try. It was getting harder and harder to find velcro shoes in his size. He would refasten his velcro numerous times throughout the day to make sure his shoes stayed tight. Dallin repeatedly wore out the velcro on his shoes. On this particular day he just couldn't get the shoes to stay tight. So, I took him shoe shopping. There could not be a less fun thing to do with Dallin. If he put a shoe on that didn't feel good he would throw a tantrum and lose control. Staying calm through these fits was very difficult but absolutely necessary to our survival. While we were out shopping for shoes that day, the teacher called to find out why he was absent and told me that Dallin NEEDED to be at school that day because of MAP testing. I could not believe the audacity of this woman. I had called to inform the school that he would be absent and I even mentioned why. I don't care if I think my kids need to stay home because they haven't had enough time playing with play-doh. If my kid needs to stay home that is MY business not hers. She laid this huge guilt trip on me and requested that I bring him back to school to complete his testing. It was suddenly clear to me that she did NOT have his best interest at heart.
I spoke to a school administrator and scheduled an appointment to speak with the Principal. I asked to switch teachers and was informed that this was not a possibility. I was told that the principal only meets with parents when the teacher is present. I expressed my concern and mentioned that we were considering home school. The principal was able to meet with me in private that day and addressed my concerns. She validated my concerns and asked for a chance to fix things and make it right or at least better. She put together a panel of specialist from the district to evaluate Dallin. She utilized her powers as principal to see if Dallin would qualify for special assistance. The principal also called a meeting for James and I to discuss our concerns about how things were being handled in the classroom. The principal put a stop to some unhealthy practices and agreed to keep a close eye on the teacher.
Dallin received testing from almost every specialist in the district. He had an I.Q. test, academic testing, speech testing, autism testing, gross and fine motor testing, and some sensory testing. The testing was done at school over the period of about 6 weeks. We were so anxious to hear the results. The results ended up not telling us much. Dallin has an above average IQ, an above average reading level, he scored high average or above average on everything except the autism test. There he showed no signs of autism or aspergers or anything on either spectrum. His gross and fine motor skills were normal. The panel of experts who tested Dallin all mentioned that he was inattentive at times and could have tested much higher if he had demonstrated more focus. The action taken as a result of these tests is that the district has determined no need for special services.
It was wonderful to learn that Dallin won't have to suffer his whole life with the challenges of autism, but it was frustrating to be back at square one with no answers.
I have been researching home school in Missouri and have spent many hours on my knees praying to know if this is what's best. The answers haven't come yet. We really haven't had any clear direction as to how to proceed from here.
A few weeks ago I got the call that we were at the end of the wait list. Children's Mercy had a PHD Child Psychologist ready to see Dallin and, after some work, he was also assigned to an Occupational Therapist. We meet with the psychologist for the first time in March, but we were able to meet our OT for the first time yesterday.
I cannot tell what a miracle it was to meet with this person. She had seen all of Dallin's symptoms before and was familiar with how to treat them. She explained that he has sensory processing issues. He is hypersensitive to light touch. In order to desensitize himself from a kid brushing past him at class or someone bumping his foot under the desk, Dallin need to wear his clothes extra tight. Imagine if I was squeezing your arm really tight. You might not notice a gentle tap on your shoulder. Dallin will require deep muscle or proprioceptive stimulus in order to handle the sensory load at school. The OT put Dallin on a sensory diet, which had nothing to do with food. He has to have as much deep muscle stimulus as we can possibly give him throughout the day.
Here's a sample day on a sensory diet: Dallin will carry all the clothes that he's going to wear that day and his shoes to the bathroom squeezing them tightly. He'll wash his face with a washcloth giving it a good rub. He'll get dressed and then I will help him wheelbarrow walk back to his room. He'll sit on an exercise ball at the table during breakfast. He'll do 5 jumping jack outside the car before we get in. When I drop him off at school he'll have a large thermaband (like a wide rubberband) around the legs of his chair that he can put his legs into and kick against. At 9:15 the teacher will ask him to wipe down all the chalkboards. At 10:30 he'll take a note to the principal and when he's in the office he'll do 10 wall push-ups. These activities carry on and are spread throughout the day. Gross motor activities like bike riding are required every day. Before he went to bed last night, we pretended he was a loaf of bread and we kneaded him on his bed then rolled him into a ball, patted him into a loaf, pretended to roll him into the oven, slice him, and butter him. He laughed and giggled the whole time! He was so completely delighted with it all. He loves the attention and he love the proprioceptive stimulation.
When we walked out of our OT appointment yesterday I made it to the van and then sobbed. It was so nice to have someone who could tell me how to help my little angel who is struggling. Finally, someone knew what was wrong and had answers. It was so nice to have someone finally get it. I was so tired of hearing people say he was a bad kid, or say that nothing's wrong, he'll outgrow it. I knew he was suffering, but I didn't know from what or how to make it better. My emotions overcame me as I realized that we have some answers and a direction. There is hope. To not know how to help Dallin was killing me and the stress of it was so consuming. Everyday that I saw his anguish as we reviewed his day and his behavior, I felt so helpless. My thoughts were so consumed with this struggle all the time. When I would sit to blog about it, I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted to document this struggle but I just couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't have any answers.
There are not words for the relief I feel and the burden that has been lifted. Just knowing what we are dealing with is such a blessing. We still have other pieces of the puzzle to figure out. Many of Dallin's symptoms are environmental. He has anxiety issues and inattentiveness that need to be figure out with the psychologist. The OT said it is hard to know if Dallin's sensory issues are causing his anxiety or if his anxiety is causing his sensory issues. But for now, we have something we can do to help.
I know that this is still a long road that we're on with Dallin. This break in stress of it has allowed me to see how far we've come and what we've learned. I have learned some patience. I have learned that we can do hard things. I have learned to rely on my husband and to seek for priesthood blessings. I have learned how to have courage and fight for my children. I have learned the value in maintaining an eternal perspective. Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was knowing that someday we will have perfect resurrected bodies and Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for us.
I am so thankful for my little middle-child. I am thankful for all that I learn from him. Mostly, I am thankful for his sweetness, his love, and the tremendous joy that he brings to our home. I feel blessed to be given such amazing personalities around me to travel with on this journey.
The 3rd year of dental school is SO MUCH BETTER than anything we've known prior. My husband is usually home for dinner, he never misses family night, and he is actively engaged in getting the kids to bed every night. The fact that my burdens have been lightened in this way, is truly a blessing.
Darren is starting to grow out of the terrible threes. He still my little wrecking ball, breaking things left and right, but he says the cutest things and makes me laugh all day. He loves to read with me. The laundry is often ignored as the picture books pile up next to me on the couch for story time. He loves all things superhero. My aunt gave him a cape for Christmas, which he wears everywhere - to the grocery store, on field trips, to the bathroom... EVERYWHERE. He loves Batman and Superman and demonstrates his displeasure when his pajamas just have frogs on them. He thinks that pants with stripes down the side are "Cool Pants." Anything without stripes won't do. He is still the first in the house to say, "thank you" for anything fun that we do. His constant gratitude is a great example for his older brothers. He loves to snuggle and still likes to hold my hair (I'm ready for that to stop.)
Daniel has hit the mood swings that are typical of boys his age. The smallest things seem to really upset him and he struggles to calm himself down. He thrives on attention and has a hard time asking for what he needs. The wii has become a great temptation for him. Finding balance and following our rules with regard to video games is often a source of frustration for him. He is still such a hard worker, always willing to do his part around the house. He is my most helpful child. Daniel, ever the compassionate kid, impressed me the other day as he wrapped his arm around a friend from church who was crying and sought to comfort him. Daniel has a sweetness that is so sincere and adorable. Daniel is enjoying 4th grade and has a wonderful teacher! She has a wild wardrobe but is a brilliant teacher. She does a great job of challenging the kids and really expanding their vocabularies and their knowledge of technology in the classroom. Daniel is currently at a 9th grade reading level and has just finished the Percy Jackson series. When I was his age, I was wishing that I only had to read books with pictures. I'm so proud of him.
Dallin is my salvation. Dallin is here to teach me love through his example, patience through dealing with him, and courage in fighting for him. This blog entry is mostly about DALLIN.
Before kindergarten, Dallin offered us some challenges that we dismissed as just part of his personality: struggles brushing teeth, a lack of desire to do fine motor activities, and he was my screamer. Once school began we saw struggles develop in the classroom. Dallin's teacher said that he was always quiet (a big surprise) but he didn't get his work done. Staying on task was difficult, completing a task was almost impossible, and working with peers was quite the struggle. Dallin has always been super affectionate. I knew that there wasn't an outlet for that at school, and thought the lack of hugs throughout the day might be a problem. We sought help through the school counselor. Dallin met with Mrs. Fullerton weekly and eventually daily to work on behavior modification and find solutions. Dallin had a hard time keeping his cool when someone entered his bubble. Also, we began to see sensory issues in Dallin. Every morning was full of meltdowns related to Dallin's socks. If he couldn't get all the bumps out, and the seam lined up just right, if one sock felt too lose, Dallin had a meltdown. Many a morning I carried a screaming kid to the van because of a bumpy sock. Other parents mentioned their kids struggled with the same thing at that age. So, we just dealt with it the best that we could. It was exhausting. Some mornings I just prayed to make it through. I told myself that he'd grow out of it.
Halfway through that really tough year, we took Dallin in for his 6 year check up. We talked to the pediatrician about what we were seeing and she recommended we call the psychology dept. at Children's Mercy Hospital. After a brief phone interview with CMH it was determined that Dallin's needs were not severe enough to be seen. At that time there was an extensive wait list to see a psychologist. We investigate other avenues and found that CMH was the only place with the program that we needed that accepted our insurance. The counselor at school suggested we try a new point system and a system of rewards and consequences to help motivate him. We didn't see a change. We suffered through second semester with trips to the recovery room, yellow days (as opposed to green), and more meltdowns than I can count.
Summer came and it was wonderful! I had my happy little kid back. I got 50 hugs a day from that little one and numerous smooches too. Summer meant flip flops and no more socks (except Sunday). Life was good again. We were hopeful that the summer would give Dallin time to outgrow some of those issues and that a new classroom/teacher would change things for the better. I was encouraged when I met Dallin's teacher. She was very affectionate, giving everyone a hug. I was happy to learn that she had been teaching for almost 30 years, and she spent some of that time teaching special ed. I thought this was going to be a great year!
It was obvious right away that Dallin was struggling. I quickly asked to meet with the teacher and discuss the issues we were facing in kindergarten. She came up with an action plan similar to the point system and we tried it out. Dallin began to really struggle. His sensory issues became magnified. Suddenly he had to have his pants so tight that he couldn't even button them. He needed his shirt to be high on his neck. Sleeves could not touch his wrists unless they were coat sleeves, and those had to be strapped extra tight with velcro. Dallin, always a picky eater, starting limiting his palette to very few foods. No matter what I put on his plate or what dessert we offered as a reward, he would only it taquitos, breakfast foods, or ham & cheese with crackers. We saw many meltdowns at the dinner table because I kept putting things on his plate for him to try that he didn't like.
The trials with Dallin were overwhelming. I felt like I was missing something; some important piece of information to tell me how to parent this kid. What I doing wrong? What had I done wrong? Why couldn't he just behave? The self doubt was almost too much to bear at times. Worried that others would judge me and my parenting, I felt very alone in this struggle. I felt the teacher was judging me and I felt ill-equipped to handle this.
In, my next meeting with the teacher I asked if she had seen anyone like Dallin in her 30 years of teaching and if so what worked for him/her. She replied that medication was the answer. She remind me of her opinion as to the medicinal solution several times in the weeks that would follow. She thinks he's got Aspergers and possible ADHD. She kept comparing Dallin to her nephew who struggles to deal with his Aspergers. I spent hours researching online. I studies Aspergers, Autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivty. If it is a childhood mental illness, I studied it. Nothing seemed to really fit. I found information on the school district website that they have diagnosticians, occupational therapists, autism specialists, and other counselors to help with special education needs. When I asked the teacher to tap into these resources, she explained that we could not utilize those services without a diagnosis.
So, I went back to our health care provider and searched for more options. I reached someone at Children's Mercy who finally agreed to put Dallin on the 6 mo. wait list for help in their behavioral sciences dept.. I also took Dallin to a child counselor who quickly made it clear that she was not interested in taking on a Medicaid patient and referred us back to the school for testing. The school district said that their people can't get involved until we have a diagnosis. Eventually, I found a therapist and social worker who agreed to meet with Dallin on a regular basis and help him work through some things. We started attending weekly therapy sessions together (1 parent and Dallin). During these sessions we discovered that Dallin can be still through play but reacts physically to uncomfortable situations. We have seen some progress with this counselor. She has helped Dallin to try hard things and has helped to repair some of the damage done to his self esteem this year. She acknowledges that a lot of Dallin's issues seem to be environmental. There is something about the atmosphere at school that causes him great anxiety. (If my teacher wanted to drug me, I'd have some anxiety too!)
We really began to struggle with the instructors approach to Dallin. She would punish him for not finishing his work. Ex: If Dallin didn't finish a series of worksheets, she would keep him in from recess. I don't see how a kid with anxiety in the classroom needs more time in the classroom. This doesn't solve anything. In fact, it made things worse. His teacher would often inquire about the wait list and if we had seen anyone yet. One time, after Dallin had his 100th meltdown over his shoes, I kept him home from school. He was hysterical in the car on the way to school and I didn't feel comfortable dropping him off. Dallin refused to learn to tie his shoes. He would scream that it hurt his fingers and he wouldn't try. It was getting harder and harder to find velcro shoes in his size. He would refasten his velcro numerous times throughout the day to make sure his shoes stayed tight. Dallin repeatedly wore out the velcro on his shoes. On this particular day he just couldn't get the shoes to stay tight. So, I took him shoe shopping. There could not be a less fun thing to do with Dallin. If he put a shoe on that didn't feel good he would throw a tantrum and lose control. Staying calm through these fits was very difficult but absolutely necessary to our survival. While we were out shopping for shoes that day, the teacher called to find out why he was absent and told me that Dallin NEEDED to be at school that day because of MAP testing. I could not believe the audacity of this woman. I had called to inform the school that he would be absent and I even mentioned why. I don't care if I think my kids need to stay home because they haven't had enough time playing with play-doh. If my kid needs to stay home that is MY business not hers. She laid this huge guilt trip on me and requested that I bring him back to school to complete his testing. It was suddenly clear to me that she did NOT have his best interest at heart.
I spoke to a school administrator and scheduled an appointment to speak with the Principal. I asked to switch teachers and was informed that this was not a possibility. I was told that the principal only meets with parents when the teacher is present. I expressed my concern and mentioned that we were considering home school. The principal was able to meet with me in private that day and addressed my concerns. She validated my concerns and asked for a chance to fix things and make it right or at least better. She put together a panel of specialist from the district to evaluate Dallin. She utilized her powers as principal to see if Dallin would qualify for special assistance. The principal also called a meeting for James and I to discuss our concerns about how things were being handled in the classroom. The principal put a stop to some unhealthy practices and agreed to keep a close eye on the teacher.
Dallin received testing from almost every specialist in the district. He had an I.Q. test, academic testing, speech testing, autism testing, gross and fine motor testing, and some sensory testing. The testing was done at school over the period of about 6 weeks. We were so anxious to hear the results. The results ended up not telling us much. Dallin has an above average IQ, an above average reading level, he scored high average or above average on everything except the autism test. There he showed no signs of autism or aspergers or anything on either spectrum. His gross and fine motor skills were normal. The panel of experts who tested Dallin all mentioned that he was inattentive at times and could have tested much higher if he had demonstrated more focus. The action taken as a result of these tests is that the district has determined no need for special services.
It was wonderful to learn that Dallin won't have to suffer his whole life with the challenges of autism, but it was frustrating to be back at square one with no answers.
I have been researching home school in Missouri and have spent many hours on my knees praying to know if this is what's best. The answers haven't come yet. We really haven't had any clear direction as to how to proceed from here.
A few weeks ago I got the call that we were at the end of the wait list. Children's Mercy had a PHD Child Psychologist ready to see Dallin and, after some work, he was also assigned to an Occupational Therapist. We meet with the psychologist for the first time in March, but we were able to meet our OT for the first time yesterday.
I cannot tell what a miracle it was to meet with this person. She had seen all of Dallin's symptoms before and was familiar with how to treat them. She explained that he has sensory processing issues. He is hypersensitive to light touch. In order to desensitize himself from a kid brushing past him at class or someone bumping his foot under the desk, Dallin need to wear his clothes extra tight. Imagine if I was squeezing your arm really tight. You might not notice a gentle tap on your shoulder. Dallin will require deep muscle or proprioceptive stimulus in order to handle the sensory load at school. The OT put Dallin on a sensory diet, which had nothing to do with food. He has to have as much deep muscle stimulus as we can possibly give him throughout the day.
Here's a sample day on a sensory diet: Dallin will carry all the clothes that he's going to wear that day and his shoes to the bathroom squeezing them tightly. He'll wash his face with a washcloth giving it a good rub. He'll get dressed and then I will help him wheelbarrow walk back to his room. He'll sit on an exercise ball at the table during breakfast. He'll do 5 jumping jack outside the car before we get in. When I drop him off at school he'll have a large thermaband (like a wide rubberband) around the legs of his chair that he can put his legs into and kick against. At 9:15 the teacher will ask him to wipe down all the chalkboards. At 10:30 he'll take a note to the principal and when he's in the office he'll do 10 wall push-ups. These activities carry on and are spread throughout the day. Gross motor activities like bike riding are required every day. Before he went to bed last night, we pretended he was a loaf of bread and we kneaded him on his bed then rolled him into a ball, patted him into a loaf, pretended to roll him into the oven, slice him, and butter him. He laughed and giggled the whole time! He was so completely delighted with it all. He loves the attention and he love the proprioceptive stimulation.
When we walked out of our OT appointment yesterday I made it to the van and then sobbed. It was so nice to have someone who could tell me how to help my little angel who is struggling. Finally, someone knew what was wrong and had answers. It was so nice to have someone finally get it. I was so tired of hearing people say he was a bad kid, or say that nothing's wrong, he'll outgrow it. I knew he was suffering, but I didn't know from what or how to make it better. My emotions overcame me as I realized that we have some answers and a direction. There is hope. To not know how to help Dallin was killing me and the stress of it was so consuming. Everyday that I saw his anguish as we reviewed his day and his behavior, I felt so helpless. My thoughts were so consumed with this struggle all the time. When I would sit to blog about it, I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted to document this struggle but I just couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't have any answers.
There are not words for the relief I feel and the burden that has been lifted. Just knowing what we are dealing with is such a blessing. We still have other pieces of the puzzle to figure out. Many of Dallin's symptoms are environmental. He has anxiety issues and inattentiveness that need to be figure out with the psychologist. The OT said it is hard to know if Dallin's sensory issues are causing his anxiety or if his anxiety is causing his sensory issues. But for now, we have something we can do to help.
I know that this is still a long road that we're on with Dallin. This break in stress of it has allowed me to see how far we've come and what we've learned. I have learned some patience. I have learned that we can do hard things. I have learned to rely on my husband and to seek for priesthood blessings. I have learned how to have courage and fight for my children. I have learned the value in maintaining an eternal perspective. Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was knowing that someday we will have perfect resurrected bodies and Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for us.
I am so thankful for my little middle-child. I am thankful for all that I learn from him. Mostly, I am thankful for his sweetness, his love, and the tremendous joy that he brings to our home. I feel blessed to be given such amazing personalities around me to travel with on this journey.
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