A Lot of Catching Up to Do

Life got really busy and my blog has been sorely neglected.  Let me tell you how busy...

One day, just after Dallin's diagnosis with sensory processing issues, he had a rough morning.  He had thoroughly worn out the velcro on his shoes with repeated attempts to make them tighter so we had purchased him shoes with laces.  Dallin really struggled with tying laces.  I would later learn that he has significantly low hand strength that would make this activity quite difficult.  Dallin could not handle shoes that felt loose; they needed to be tied tight.  Dallin was having a major meltdown and just couldn't pull it together.  Usually if I could just get him into the car, he could calm himself down by the time we got to school.  When we pulled up into the drop off line Dallin's shoes still felt loose.  I told him that it would be okay and instructed him to go inside and ask the teacher to retie his shoes tighter.  He started sobbing and explained that just one day prior the teacher had scolded him, refused to help him tie his shoes, and said, "This is the 3rd quarter in 1st grade and you should be able to tie your own shoes."  Dallin said that he had to finish the school day with lose shoes, a nightmare for a kid with sensory issues.  Asking Dallin to deal with lose shoes is like asking you or I to deal with a rock in our shoes.  I was angered and so frustrated that a women who had been told about Dallin's condition would chose to treat him so poorly.  I parked the car, hugged my little guy extra tight, and tied his shoes.  I would have taken him home right then, but he had a field trip planned that day.  He really wanted to go, so I cried as I watched him run into the school with his little red backpack bobbing behind him.

The rest of the day, I was a puddle.  I suddenly felt the guilt associated with months of ignoring the promptings we had to pull him out of that class.  We had asked for a new teacher in October and were refused.  I should have trusted my instincts and pulled him out right then.  Instead I trusted that the principal new best and we kept sending Dallin to school in an environment that completely destructive to his self-esteem.  He wasn't going to school and being nurtured and instructed.  He was being torn down.  Realizing how bad it was for him sent me to my knees begging for forgiveness.  It felt so awful for not having the courage to do what I knew was necessary.  I didn't feel like I was qualified to home school.  My feelings of inadequacy governed my decisions and I chose not to listen to the Lord.  In my desperate prayers, I was given a second chance.  Heavenly Father reminded me that the position of mother, nurturer, and even instructor, were divine callings.  Just like callings in church, like chorister or primary president - callings that I was unsure I could magnify, I had been called by God to do this work.  He would help me to do all that is required to magnify this call.  Suddenly, I knew that I could do it.  I decided to home school.  I spent the rest of that school day researching state statutes and procedures for pulling Dallin out and teaching him at home.  Once I had made that decision, I felt so much better.  I instantly had peace and was able to move forward.  I'm still working through all the guilt but I know that Heavenly Father has forgiven me for not listening to whispering of the spirit that could have saved my son much grief. 

The Lord quickly sent me a confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  My neighbor was a parent volunteer during the field trip that day.  She came home and told me that she witnessed the teacher treating Dallin poorly.  She was short with him and lacked patience.  The instructor would often snap at him and it was clear that he was treated him differently then the other kids in her class.  She was just plain mean to him.  That sealed the deal!  Monday morning, the next school day, I took a letter to the principal notifying the school district that we were withdrawing Dallin from public school.  Daniel had a wonderful instructor and truly thrived at the school.  So, we chose to leave Daniel at English Landing Elementary. 

Quickly, I discovered how much I loved homeschooling.  I love that as Dallin practiced his writing and grammar that I could give him sentences like this: "Dallin is a smart kid and his teacher really loves him." or "I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me." and "I am a good person, and I can do hard things."  I spent my time with him trying to rediscover a love of learning.  I used what I remember from Montessori School and worked on improving his fine motor skills.  We focused on fluency and areas where he was struggling most.  I also saw him excel in math as he was given the opportunity to try multiplication (something he couldn't try in public school because his timed test scores in addition were never high enough).  Dallin was so grateful to be at home.  We quickly saw a change in his level of happiness.  

Homeschooling was a very valuable experience as I was able to discover some road blocks in his learning and test solutions to the problem.  One time I gave Dallin 4 sentences to copy.  It took him 45 min. to finish the 1st sentence.  He was very off task and unable to concentrate.  We stopped and took a break.  I did some exercises with Dallin using a fitness ball that our occupational therapist had taught us.  This gave Dallin the deep muscle (proprioceptive) stimulation that his body needed.  After 10 min. we went back to the table and Dallin finished the remaining 3 sentences in 15 minutes.  I also learned that Dallin could focus better if he was listening to music.  His favorite was Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor.  We had so much fun learning together!  We could find and area of interest and investigate it together until we had thoroughly exhausted the topic.  We were studying world geography, the instruments of the symphony, and the parts of an ecosystem.  All of our learning was as hands-on as we could make it.  Sometime Dallin would ask a question in the car and that would spark an idea for a unit study.  All the while we were increasing fluency, making writing a little more fun, and building up his love of learning.  Dallin once asked why we never make sock puppets.  Then next day, we learned about character traits and adjectives as Dallin wrote about and designed his puppet.  I loved being able to help him learn about the world he lived in.  It was wonderful to use his curiosity to fuel the lesson plans.  Some days were difficult.  Near the end of the year he resisted doing his work quite a bit.  We were ready for summer.  It was extremely difficult to give Darren the attention that he needed during this time as well.  Sesame Street became a babysitter for me so I could be teaching.  This was something that I didn't love about homeschooling.

Overall, it was a great experience.  It taught me that I can do anything that God wants me to do with His help.  It taught me to trust that I know what is best for my son.  I now have a confidence that I didn't have before homeschool. 

As for this fall, I have prayed to know how to proceed.  While I enjoyed homeschooling, I am not sure that it is needed permanently.  I feel I need to pursue public education for Dallin and fight to get the modifications needed to make the classroom experience a positive one.  If I can't make that happen for him, I have homeschooling in my back pocket and I'm no longer afraid to use it.

At the end of the school year, Dallin was officially diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Writing Dysgraphia, and ADHD.  When we called the school to talk about getting him special assistance from the district special education department, the assistant principal explained that their earlier evaluation showed that Dallin was making academic progress without assistance and so they would deny us any future aid.  So, the fight is on.  The summer has been chaos because the school district head of special education retired, the district is opening a new elementary school, and our assistant principal took a job at another district.  The new hires haven't been in place to discuss a plan for Dallin in the fall.  I sent a letter last week to the new director of special education requesting a meeting and an IEP (Individualized Educational Program) for Dallin.  In preparation for this meeting, I have spent the summer educating myself on the rights of kids with special needs, IEPs, 504 plans, state regulations, parent advocacy, dispute resolution, etc..  I am also taking a few classes on homeschooling just in case.  I really hope that we get a teacher that will embrace a new way of thinking and implement some good sensory integration techniques in her classroom.  Dallin really needs access to OT (occupational therapy).  We may only be able to get that for him if we can get an IEP.  He needs extra time for writing and activities that make fine motor exercise fun.  He needs some accommodations in the classroom to make him more comfortable (an air cushion on his seat and special pencils grips), and he really needs breaks for proprioceptive stimulation.  It may be quite the battle to get what we need, but I've promised Dallin that if we can't make the classroom a place where he feels comfortable and happy, then we'll bring home and do our best.

As the school year approaches, I become more apprehensive.   I am trusting my gut and moving forward in the direction that I feel inspired to go and there is some peace that comes with that.  Still, I am so nervous about the future.  Will I be able to help my son be fully functioning in a classroom and the world in which he lives?  Have a done enough to build a shield of protection for him?  How long will we be undoing the damage done last year?  Lots of questions.  Very little sleep these days. 

On top of worries for Dallin, we have a son entering 5th grade.  I am scared for all the things that Danny will learn this year (things that I'd rather he not know).  I'm trying to decide if Darren should take advantage of the early childhood education provided by our district, or if he should learn at home.  Also, we are trying to figure out what we are doing after graduation and where we want to raise our family.  Just a few major things weighing on me.  I am relying on Heavenly Father to show us the way on each account.  I meet with Him in prayer and at the temple where I weekly pour out my heart.  I am so grateful to have the temple here.  It makes all the difference and my whole world is better because of it.  It is the one place where I truly find peace.

*The kids are now pouring their own cereal and fighting over oatmeal packets.  No time to proofread.  Sorry for any errors.