Burden Lifted?

Major changes in my life lately. 

I have lost 7 pounds since I started regular visits to the gym.  I am one pound less than my pre-baby weight, which I think is pretty cool.  There are still love handles and jiggly arm fat to deal with, but at least we're headed in the right direction.

I started a new job over thanksgiving break, doing graphic design work for a screen printing company in Parkville.  The job is really fun, the boss is totally cool, and on my second day on the job he asked me to spend a couple of hours in JoAnn's (without my kids) looking for cool fabrics.  Dream come true.

The biggest change, however, has been the release from my calling as Primary President.  While I felt my days were numbered, I had no idea how difficult it would be when that day actually came.  This last week I've been a complete mess.  I just fell apart when the bishop told me a week ago Sunday.  I maintained my composure just until I got out of his office and then I just turned into a puddle.  The hallway was full of people so I quickly made my escape for the bathroom.  I'm not sure if it was the tears in my eyes or my complete dismay that landed me in the men's restroom.  Oops.  Luckily there was no one in there to greet me.  I spotted the urinal and ran out.  Is that classic or what! 

I've come to love all those kids so much.  It just made me so sad to hear that I wouldn't be spending my Sundays with them anymore.  When they sing, a spirit fills the room with a warmth that is indescribable.  They make you laugh, they make you cry, and teach you about God's love in all that they do. 

I feel like Barbara from "My Turn on Earth."  "I'm not ready...My turn can't be over yet...Have I done all I came here to do?"  While I don't know that I've done all I could, I do feel like I did an ok job of it.  A lot of people saw my emotions this Sunday and perhaps thought that I felt like I'd done something wrong.  Many people reminded me of other opportunities that I'll have to serve.  It's not that. 

My tears are because of the hole that is left when you take away something that was such a huge part of my life.  I feel like I've lost a bit of my identity.  For the last 2 1/2 years I have Emily Burneson, Primary President.  There wasn't a day that went by in that time that I didn't think about Primary.  Now in a blink it is over.  I have to walk PAST the primary room, a room that I love, and go somewhere else.

I was really embarrassed by my lack of ability to control my emotions on Sunday.  Despite how it looked, I really tried.  I especially wanted to hold it together in front of the kids.  I almost made it until Rebekah (our new and fabulous President) asked me to get into a picture with them all.  Wow did I lose it!  I was trying to stay disconnected and wrapping my arms around them made that impossible.  I sobbed like a baby.  Truthfully, I spent all of last week crying buckets.  It was hard to hide from my visiting teachers who stopped by, and from neighbors who knocked on the door.  It was hard not being able to call up and lean on my friends until my release was official.  I needed someone to help me stop being such a blubbering mess.

Luckily, I think I'm mostly done sobbing.  I had the chance to sit in a quiet house with Rebekah Saturday night and hand over my Primary binder.  It was quite the journey to look through it all with her.  That binder contained so much that is important to me.  The handbook (a source of truth and wisdom), conference talks that helped me to be a better president, yearly conference reports (a record of all we accomplished), scouting materials (a source of great frustration), and the directory of all those little ones names and birth dates.  It was good closure, to pass all that on.

Rebekah will be amazing.  She has chosen great counselors.  As she shares with me her emotions about it all, I remember those first few weeks when I was called.  I remember the fear, the feelings of inadequacy, the doubt, and challenges that lay ahead.  I also remember the miracles, and how the Lord made up for my short comings.  I remember the rush of inspiration and the weight of my call.  I remember feeling that the Lord wouldn't let me fail. 

I found the following verse last Sunday when I was looking for comfort.   

"Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.  We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers; Remembering without ceasing your work of ^afaith, and ^blabour of love, and ^cpatience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father..."  Thessalonians 1:2-3

The work of sharing the gospel is great.  The experience of sharing it with these children is precious.  This work has shaped me and helped me to become more selfless, more patient, more humble (from the start), and more aware of how important teaching and living the gospel in my home is.  I learned to rely on Heavenly Father.  I learned to listen better to promptings.  I learned how to better lead, and communicate, and to love unconditionally.  Many of these principles were learned after trials and failures.  But I think it's ok to say that I figured a few things out over the last couple years.  Let's hope I don't forget it all.

Many have asked if I am enjoying the burden that has been lifted.  I haven't really felt that yet.  Mostly I'm just trying to fill the hole.  I hope the next calling comes quickly.